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Insomnibus

by Al Duvall

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1.
Tapeworm 02:29
The system is just a dirty trick You work and you work until you’re sick To hand over all you earn for room and board You barely survive and what’s it for To keep you alive to work some more And struggle and strive for things you can’t afford I find myself wishing in despair To live in the kind of system where The powers above are tending those beneath No more starving or complaining Manna from heaven ever raining Down on my picnic while I pick my teeth Oh, wouldn’t it take the cake to be a tapeworm I never would let another meal escape Taking a share of what comes through Just like Internal Revenue Just like the brokers with their ticker tape And if I had a position on the inside At the end of the tunnel I would see some light Taking my cut from soup to nuts You better believe it takes some guts Being a tapeworm sure would be alright Oh, wouldn’t it take the cake to be a tapeworm Having somebody else prepare your food Go to the market, pay the bill Cook up the steak and clean the grill They’ll even send it down already chewed Taken out to the finest French restaurants Dining like a Parisian parasite I’d pick up my glass and raise a toast Here’s to your health my gracious host Being a tapeworm sure would be alright
2.
I never waltzed an angel ‘cross the floor Never watched a dreamboat hug the shore Until I went to Maine and I met my ball and chain I’d never met a metaphor before We have nothing on which to dine And we’ve nearly run out of wine So grab the shoe rags and the brush and we’ll work the morning rush Baby now is our time to shine Can’t you see the wolf is at the door And he’s scratching to get out once more He’s so cold and slim, I really feel bad for him I’ll pick him something up from the store I’m hanging up my hat while it’s still on my head Another pint of blood and I’m still in the red I got the blood bank blues, I’ve been put up for sale I’m not claiming I’m an honest man I’m just afraid to go to jail Oh the lightning in the sky went wild Hit the dairy as my boy retiled He got badly burned but a lesson there was learned Spare the rod and spoil the child One night my daddy said to me Son, I’m heading on out to sea Then he trucked on down to the girlie show in town And he saw my mama dance for free Our preacher at the coal mine stressed That the humble and the meek are blessed We’ll inherit the earth- exactly six feet worth But the company owns the rest
3.
The four-eyed preacher took the podium About how Lot’s wife hit bottom How she turned to chloride and sodium When she turned to look at Sodom And he said Let’s not let Lot get forgot Raise your Bibles if you brought ‘em Poor Lot’s wife, poor Lot’s wife, remember this poor sinner Get your fork and knife and pour Lot’s wife On your breakfast, lunch and dinner The angels changed her into salt to serve as a reminder For Lot’s wife found it hard to leave the Sodomites behind her Lot dragged her home upon a cart and tried hard not to spill her He tucked her into bed and laid his head upon the pillar She started cussing out her man, she’d verbally assault him And so he tried to pass her off and nobody could fault him He took her to the Navy Yard, he brought her by the baker But no one even got a pinch- old Lot just couldn’t shake her She really got his pressure up and things were looking dicey He threw her out onto the street one winter- it was icy And so beware my sisters if for sin you have an itchin’ The story’s moral is a woman’s place is in the kitchen
4.
Lady, have you been complaining that your man is just a mouse? Or maybe the iceman or the milkman left some cooties round your house Or you got a hornet in your hairnet cause a louse moved in to stay If you wake up at night itchin’ I can come around and spray Call the exterminator man And I’ll take out your pest Exterminator man I’ll sniff out your nest I’ll squirt all round your pipe work I’ll squirt behind your drawers I’ll squirt between the cushions on your divan Just call the exterminator man I’ll squirt down in your mattress Where the mighty bedbug roars I’ll squirt until there’s nothing left in the can Just call the exterminator man Now do the flies and cockroaches use your cupboard for a club? Or you’ve got ants and their cousins who line up to grab your grub Or you’re getting kisses from mosquitoes who aren’t put off by a slap I’ll come by every Friday and see if something sprung your trap Call the exterminator man If papa’s bed’s no good Exterminator man Could be termites in his wood I’ll lay down lines of powder and your itch will soon be gone I got stuff that the government tries to ban Just call the exterminator man I’ll hit the nooks and crannies, inside and round your lawn If it smells a little funny turn on a fan Hooray for the exterminator man
5.
Oh I’m so glad to be back with you darling I’ll never leave you lonely anymore I’d love to take you on a trip around the world From Akron to Lake Erie’s rocky shore I want to build that outhouse we’ve been planning And spend my life with you in happiness But something has come up that takes me out of town An urgent matter that I must address I left my kazoo in Kalamazoo- the one with the silver holder The only kazoo that I ever knew is sitting there getting colder I usually keep it here in my shoe Until I can blow it I will be blue I know I should spend your birthday with you But I left my kazoo in Kalamazoo Now this time I am home for good my darling I’ve come back motivated and inspired And pretty soon I’ll go and try to find a job But at the moment I’m so very tired I can’t recall specifics from my journey The who and how and where and why and when But I’ve just remembered what it was that called me away So sadly I must leave you once again I left my kazoo in Kalamazoo- the one with the silver holder The only kazoo that I ever knew is sitting there getting colder I really must work on getting there soon I’m worried that it will go out of tune I know that today our baby is due But I left my kazoo in Kalamazoo I left my kazoo in Kalamazoo- the one with the silver holder The only kazoo that I ever knew is sitting there getting colder I usually keep it here in my shoe Until I can blow it I will be blue I know that you’re stuck in bed with the flu But I left my kazoo in Kalamazoo
6.
By showing you the gallows, my intention Is the alcoholic habit to inhibit So allow me to direct your condescension To the rotting corpse that hangs up in the gibbet You ask who was that fiendish evildoer? Why, you haven’t heard of Philip Stein the brewer? He brewed a most insipid ale That no one sipped or put on sale His profits barely tipped the scale He faced financial ruin So he added poems to the tank And shredded money from the bank And lobster tails- but no one drank No matter what he threw in And then one night old Charlie Pratt A drunken worker, dropped his hat And disappeared into the vat And with him fortune flew in Philip Stein the brewer, Philip Stein the brewer Poor old Charlie fell in with the barley of Philip Stein the brewer The new beer was a great success Renowned for its full-bodiedness I must make more, despite the mess Said Stein without compunction The orphanage has a huge supply Of cast-out children I can buy I’ll say I need a staff for my New bottleworks to function They’d soon lie dead upon his floor Then right back to the orphanage door "They’ve all run off- I’ll need some more" And he’d meet them at the junction Philip Stein the brewer, Philip Stein the brewer Poor Hansel and Gretel went into the kettle of Philip Stein the brewer His golden beer was tinged with rose A lovely head, a spicy nose And left a lace from off the clothes Of some poor little victim The Temperance Union made it clear His tavern served all ages beer “There’s children getting drunk in here!” And they lobbied to restrict him And then at last we learned the truth When someone found a baby tooth While drinking from the Fountain of Youth And the coppers came and nicked him Philip Stein the brewer, Philip Stein the brewer They found the bones down in the sewer of Philip Stein the brewer
7.
If you go by any popular ballad You’d think that dames came out of a salad We’ve got peaches with cherry lips, and we moan About cute tomatoes who say "Let us alone" The fury of a woman’s scorn has likely scorched your ears But there’s one little vegetable out in the garden Who will have you all in tears- are there any volunteers? She’s a sweet sweet young ’un from Vidalia Georgia She may be right off the farm But she has more rings than Lucrezia Borgia And she’ll lay you out with her radiant charm When she breathes a sigh you’ll wish she’d ignored ya But then she starts to peel All the boys in town must stay up crying Look at all the hankies on the clotheslines drying She’s a sweet sweet young ’un from Vidalia Georgia And she knows her onions, boy She’s a sweet sweet young ’un from Vidalia Georgia Fresh from the sunny South Ya better eat some mints when she minces toward ya Or the South will rise again in your mouth She’s an easy date that you can afford, ya Just take her out to eat But you won’t see moisture in my eye ‘Cause I’m the guy what makes the onions cry That sweet sweet young ’un from Vidalia Georgia She knows her onions boy!
8.
When I was just a stripling I was always reading Kipling By the fire in the parlour after tea I could see the banners rippling and the sergeant-majors tippling And I knew colonial service was for me I was dutiful and patient and in India was stationed I spent holidays out shooting- wouldn’t you? It was tigers that I wanted so I hunted in the haunted Himalayas- what would any cat man do? When one day I spied the tiger I desire I tracked him up a mountain ever higher He bravely perished when I opened fire And wearing only tropical attire Quite frozen I decided to expire So I wrote a note requesting, should a climber find us resting Have us mounted in a case for everybody to admire Now I’m a taxidermy hunter of the animals on display A specimen of a breed of man that’s sadly died away I’ll hold my ground forever like the Empire proud and true And I’ll wager that I’ve got a stiffer upper lip than you Dead aim,hard flesh, And a little bit of formaldehyde to keep me looking fresh I’m no statue that is waxy I am what you call a taxidermy hunter Ta-ra-boom-de-boom-de-ay! If you’re looking at us posing here and wonder how it feels Just think of a Christmas turkey or a pot of jellied eels With trophies all around me, oh wouldn’t it be fun! But atrophy is all I have and cannot lift me gun Sleeping sickness doesn’t frighten me, I tell you why For nobody has ever tried to stuff a tsetse fly The taxidermist fancies me- a fact she can’t disguise I catch her making eyes at me when she is making eyes
9.
Canarsie 02:30
The twins are getting beaten in a mean joint They’re doubled over screaming out for Marcy But Marcy’s held at gunpoint up in Greenpoint For larceny and arson in Canarsie I followed the police investigation On walkie-talkies picked up on my wireless I got off at the final subway station As an amateur detective I am tireless The crime scene I encountered there was awesome A chalk line on the sand round a cadaver The note said "I am only playing possum And if you like my widow you can have her" She staggered in the grip of Dionysus Boy, what did all the carnies at the bar see? The coroner bought us all Italian ices And we all enjoyed the morning in Canarsie The atmosphere was viscous at the dockside And fragrant with hibiscus and monoxide My head was spinning off me like a discus I dropped just like a rock inside a rockslide I awoke upon a trawler bound for Norway As helpless as an auctioneer with lockjaw And the quartermaster looming in the doorway With an opiate concocted by a Choctaw Now I’m slaving through the summer salmon season Hobbling on my shattered metatarsi And since my story has more rhyme than reason I’ll say I’d rather be back in Canarsie
10.
The Creeper 02:20
Every day I go into the park And I stay until it closes Though folks rush home when it gets dark I stop and smell the bicycle seats In a tree I sit up with the squirrels Singing like a nightingale Dirty love songs to the little girls Oh, it’s worth the night in jail I’m a creeper long and skinny And I come from old Virginny And I think that you will never see The creeper hiding in the tree Oh I stretch out in a bed of flowers And absorb its lovely fragrance For I often spend my leisure hours Making whoopee with the vagrants If you’re out to find some splendor in The gazebo with your honey I’ll be in the rhododendron Looking through your coat for money Once a horsy caught me drinking rye In the saddle sat a cop The horsy raised his tail high And he let the matter drop In the park you may take any path But a sociopath don’t follow For I’ll show you where I take my bath And you’ll find it hard to swallow
11.
When Death lays down his grim sickle His grin looks almost whimsical When he sits at the switchboard, straps on his headset And listens to the living try to telephone the dead set We all appreciate a medium when she sends a message through the ether She helps alleviate the tedium of waiting here in purgatory beneath her So when the madam rang, I rose right up and sang At the séance, what fun to be invited to the séance My senses were ignited I wrapped myself around the pretty parlor maid Her skeleton shook like gelatin or marmalade At the séance, I drew fantastic pictures with some crayons And spun the lighting fixtures I chatted with the family through the Ouija They thought I was a brother named Luigi Since I’m just a lonely orphan’s spirit Doomed to roam the earth and never slumber I’ll heed the summons when I hear it Even if it’s just a wrong number At the séance, I gave a little solace to the gray aunts Who thought I was Uncle Wallace I flirted with their little cousin Nancy And showed her some romantic necromancy A fact that her fiancé didn’t fancy At the séance It isn’t often someone tries to call us The sessions are for those who can afford ‘em We sit around ignored, by our families and the Lord Oh, the afterlife is everlasting boredom
12.
They say if you want to make Hamlet You’ve got to break a few legs Now recall how a bit of a jam let Our troupe descend into the dregs We were booked to play the Lusitania It’s a shame how that deal went down So alas, we left York Pennsylvania On the freight trains out West, town to town By the end I was bitter and jaded Looking for a Chautauqua to join After I was disgraced and degraded When I played the Dane in Des Moines We presented the Bard ‘cross the nation To the stockyards we brought summer stock We had heard of Des Moines’ cultivation When we found that meant corn- what a shock! In the round at a wrestling venue Some egged us on, more egged us off We were served every dish on the menu From the buffet set up in a trough I cried “I’ll surrender when pigs fly!” Then somebody tossed a pork loin Soon the castle resembled a pigsty When I played the Dane in Des Moines The sword fight took place in a hog pen Some wag barred the gate with a board We couldn’t reach the epilog when The pen had more might than the sword Then the crowd started dozing and nodding And snoring rang out loud and clear But they rose up and started applauding When the man came with peanuts and beer If you think we got paid, you’re mistaken Though Ophelia was showered with coin For she told them the play was by Bacon When I played the Dane in Des Moines
13.
Sunshine- the cause of jubilation Of corn in Oklahoma and other vegetation Of stroke and melanoma, of thirst and perspiration Some find the brightness is oppressing Like couples getting snuggly, or penitents confessing Or people who are ugly- the darkness is a blessing I know when I’m out in the burning heat I seek the shadows and admit defeat On the shady side of the street It’s the shoddy side of the street With the shuttered stores and the shabby whores And the suicide beneath a splattered sheet But the shadows let me retreat And I, not compelled to compete So I nimbly fade into the dim parade On the shady side of the street On the avenue of dives and missions I can feel like a millionaire with just a dollar-eighty On the boulevard of broken English I can loiter with the litter picker and the cleaning lady And the isolation is sweet In the squalor I’ll never meet With the sweaty crowds, out where they’ve swept the clouds On the shady side of the street
14.
Slippery Elm 02:13
On death row we are fond of the hangman of the town He’s always been dependable, he’s never let us down Today he’s getting married, he’s going to tie the knot His swinging days are over now, there’s going to be a tot To build his baby’s room he took apart his gallows pole So now they’ll hang us in the trees, and since I’ve no parole Hang me from the apple tree, the one right in the square So I can kick some apples down to my girl standing there Don’t hang me from a coffee tree, or I’ll stay up all night But hang me from a bonsai tree ‘cause I’m afraid of heights I could not plead insanity for spilling blood and guts So hang me from a pecan tree to prove that I am nuts And when you hang my Emmaline, it’s an evergreen for her For I could never find the dough to put her in a fir They caught me stealing jewelry but I swallowed all the things So hang me from a redwood, cut me down and count the rings I think I caught a cold in jail, and here’s my doctor’s note So hang me from a slippery elm, to prevent a scratchy throat I feel my life’s been all for knot as I take my final bough Let’s drop the subject please, I’m feeling pretty…choked up… now
15.
The captain boards his ship and gazes once more at the shore And waves to wife and children who he may see nevermore For he has cast his fortune in the wandering water’s flow He says "Farewell dear Albany, set Sal for Buffalo" The voyage was calm til three days out there rose a northerly breeze The rain poured down, the barge was tossed, the mule began to sneeze The first mate jumped off at a farm and ran into the gale He went to find a hayloft- Captain ordered him to bail One fathom down and one foot more in sunken wrecks are found The bones of brave and fearless men the Erie Canal has drowned No use was sextant, charts or glass in such a heavy fog But by the starboard bow we saw the mule chased by a dog She crossed a bridge and jumped and swung out hanging by her neck The towline snapped and poor old Sal crashed right down through the deck The water quickly filled the barge and lifted up our kilts And none of us knew how to swim and no one packed the stilts The captain ordered us to sit and die a noble death If we’d just stood up for ourselves we could have caught out breath

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All songs Copyright 2013 Al Duvall BMI

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released August 21, 2013

Recorded by Meg Reichardt at Soapbox Studios.
Karen Waltuch- viola
Andy Cotton- bass
Franklin Bruno- piano
Bree Benton- backing vocals
Josh Whitehead- drums
Photo by Kristin Duvall
Collage by Freepy Schwirtel

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Al Duvall Brooklyn, New York

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